Gemma Patil

( Application for Gemma Patil )

ATTENTION WIZARDING WORLD:

JAY AND I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT!

In the next step of our lives, we've decided to make a BIG AND EXCITING change! We're moving to EGYPT!

I'm thinking about switching careers while we're there, and so far on my list:

Cobra Snake Breeder
Mummy Personal Assistant
Dragonologist
Sphinx Groomer
Curse Tester
Testing Experimental Brooms


WISH ME LUCK!!

Well, I know "proper" Wizards want my job, I stare at tasteful (and not so tasteful) pictures of naked women all day.

[Warded to Jay]

Just so you know, I'm going over to Mel's, probably for the rest of the night. or staying with her if when they bring back Catherine. So if you need me, ping me on the journals. If they get to her soon, I'll update you from Mungo's.

Love you. Try not to stay at work too late.

JESUS CHRIST THERE'S A FUCKING DRAGON IN DIAGON ALLEY-

WHAT THE FUCK?

One Death Eater down, only... a billion dozen more to go? I can't say I'm resting any easier but maybe someday soon.

In other news, I discovered the most amazing thing ever today and I had to share with the world.

( SO CLASSY )

It'll go really well with the even classier wine bottle holder Mel got me. Have I said yet that I've got the most brilliant mates ever? Because I do. I've got to get a picture of me wearing my new mustache necklace, earrings from Alex (I can tell you didn't have help) standing under my awesome new painting (which is hanging in the living room, Nic). The only clothing I got was some skimpy lacy things from my husband, so it may not be completely safe for the journals...

( Warded to Witches and Wizards ages 20-32 )

[Warded to Stuart Ernshaw]

Think you could ever tear yourself away from work for a few hours to go on a date?

[Warded to Patrick Dawlish]

Wanna go on a date, hotstuff?

[Warded to Edward Rifle]

NED! You ever thought about dating a leggy blonde before? I know the answer to this is yes so we should just skip ahead to asking when you're free.

[Warded to Caleb Croaker]

How would you like to go on a hot date?

[Warded to Jay Patil]

I GET TO PLAY MATCHMAKER!

[Warded to Jay]

You definitely should not have married me.

[Warded to Melissa Fenwick and Lydia MacDougal]

Anyone else having a moment of "God, sometimes it sucks to be a muggleborn" whenever there's threats about people dying? What'd we do that's so fucking annoying to them? Why can't they just live their lives without butting into ours?

I can never resist new nail polish, and "Emotipolish" is no different. I figured, you know, it's probably a load of shit like mood rings, and it started off good. A darkish yellow? I was in an all right mood, so I figured that was a semi-happy colour.

Now it's a... gross purplish brown. What the fuck does that mean?

[Warded to Girlfriends]

Right, so I've never been the most patient of people and I think I need you lot to just tell me to sit down and shut up.

At what point do you start wondering if you can't have kids? When do you go to a Healer without looking like a crazy freak? Can Healers even DO anything for infert


Yeah, yeah. I know, I'm being a cryptic bitch. How come Alex can knock up some bird on accident but it's been over four mon

Here's your Muggle News Update from Gemma Patil!

Did you know today marks the 28th anniversary of Joseph Stalin's death? Just thought I should put it out there that murderous dictators can be killed too Just thought I should throw that out there.

In music news, Billy Idol has left Generation X so he can start a solo career. How he thinks he can do any better than Dancing With Myself, I have no fucking clue but good luck with that, Billy Idol.

PRINCE CHARLES AND LADY DIANA ARE GETTING MARRIED. I love weddings, no fucking joke. They're even better when they're royal weddings. But she's like a TOTALLY NORMAL LADY. A bloody teacher, even. They're so damn sweet looking together and I will 100% be tuning in on the telly to watch the wedding. Who's with me?

In film news, George Lucas is at it again and doing yet another film trilogy. Isn't his one about Wars in the Stars still in the works? ANYWAY, Raiders of the Lost Ark is coming out this summer, and it sounds like something Jay would like. Lost Arks are his thing.

There's also Clash of the Titans. Don't discount that one, it's going to be amazing. Who can pass up Medusa?? She's a hot chick that'll turn you to stone - some blokes need a solution to that problem.

Then, finally. Excalibur. What is it with these people and not doing films that actually take place in OUR OWN TIME? Muggles just love making films about Merlin.

In other news, Maggie Thatcher is still awesome.

There you have it.

I know you're all waiting for another installment of Boobs vs Butts, but instead I bring you something a little different.

Petition to make Jay Patil shave:
( I rest my case... )

Please. I beg of you. Convince him. He looks older than my father.

[Warded to Alex Williamson and Jay Patil]

Douche move, Alex. If you're seeing a girl - casually or not - you don't wait a week to tell her you knocked up some other girl and that in fact, you're in love with that girl and that the dates with casual-girl were not a big deal. Sometimes, omitting a little information is good and spares a lot of hurt feelings.

When this comes out, I'm not saving you from Sturgis. You deserve a bloody nose.

Apparently Death Eaters are prejudice against boobs. Or they didn't want to interrupt our regularly scheduled naked ladies for propaganda. Maybe they're all horny blokes! There's a direction for you, DMLE. Search for all the horny blokes that wouldn't want to mar the magazine or get distracted with their hostile takeovers.

[Warded to Friends]

Bloody buggering fuck.

I'm going to visit Nic and Doris today. Anyone want to come with?

[Warded to Jay Patil]

Jay.

HELLO EVERYONE!

We're going to play a game tonight.

This game is titled: BOOBS OR BUTT.

The object is simple. I'm going to put up 6 pictures, and you're going to guess if each one is a close up of boob cleavage or butt cleavage. GOOD LUCK, WIZARDS.

(This is mostly for you, Reads-What-Everyone-Writes man.)

(Also, Happy Birthday Iwan, but you shouldn't be looking anyway.)

( Warning, cleavage ahead!! )

GOOD LUCK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I'll update with the correct answers after a short time.

Poll for the audience: that doesn't have to do with muggl

1) Would you ever pose for The Gold Standard?

A) If yes, continue on to question 2.
B) If no, you can just continue on with your day or skip to question 4!

2) How many galleons would they have to pay you?

A) 10-50 galleons? (Don't sell yourself short!)
B) 50-100 galleons? (This is our standard rate for one day of shooting.)
C) 100+ galleons? (Are your baps just that worth it?)

3) Are there conditions to you posing?

A) No full frontal, chest only. (Or alternatively: more money for full frontal.)
B) You'd only do it if you were really desperate for money.. etc.

4) If you're a reader of the Gold Standard, are you happy with the magazine? Is there anything you'd like to see more of (baps)? Less of (articles)? Do the layouts just rock?

Thank you in advance! If you're embarrassed about answering in public, feel free to ward me. No judging here!

[Warded to Jay]

Are there any wards we can put on my parents house without them knowing? Protective wards?

[Warded to Close Friends and All Muggleborns as of 10pm]

Wankers. There's no reason for you lot to be jealous of Queen. Occamy is almost as good.

[Warded to Jay Patil]

So, don't freak out.

But I'm going to be home a little late.

And by a little late, I mean that I'm spending the night at St. Mungo's.


But I'm totally okay, I swear! Just a minor head wound and a little blood and ow Mel keeps poking m


Also, don't read the Evening Prophet. They were poking me for quotes and inf

[Warded to Friends]

If someone who isn't working could go hold Jay down, I'd appreciate it. I was kind of.. um. In an accident? I'M TOTALLY OKAY. But I'm afraid he's going to overreact if he comes to St. Mungo's and sees my clothing and my head. THANKS.